Bravery For Dummies
by Snapegirlkmf
Summary: When Belle and Rumple are attacked by a demon bear, Rumple must prove his bravery by using the best weapon he has. Humorous what-if Rumbelle story from the 5:5 sneak peek. AU! Contains sarcastic snarky Rumple POV.


**Bravery For Dummies**

 _A/N: loosely based upon the S5 promo "The Bear & the Bow". If you don't appreciate sarcastic snarky wit and humor click the "back" button, do not pass Go, do not read further! You have been warned! Trolls will be deleted! _

"RUMPLE! _Run!"_

Belle's scream of utter terror could have shattered a glass house. Too bad I couldn't take her advice. But it's a wee bit hard to run when you have a leg you can't stand on and need a crutch to walk with. Guess having a monster demon bear appear out of nowhere made her have amnesia.

She took off and ran down the trail as the blacker than a witch's heart bear roared in challenge and charged after us. As I limped frantically after her, I seem to recall some nature show warning that you should never run from a predator—it draws their attention. The Crocodile Hunter maybe? Or The Last Unicorn? The fear was playing havoc with my brain too.

Oh dearie dearie dear! The bear was gaining.

I did my best to limp faster than my usual pace of a snail crawling.

Wasn't fear supposed to make you extra strong and fast?

Funny, I wasn't seeing any results and my heart was about to burst through my ribcage.

The bear roared in fury. I could feel its fetid breath on my back and thought it was too bad I didn't have my magic because that monster would be Winnie the Pooh and Teddy too by now! Suddenly having a pure heart really sucked!

Belle glanced back, her blue eyes huge. "Run! It's gaining on you!"

"D'ye think I dinna know that, dearie?" I yelled back inbetween hyperventilating. When I'm scared my Scots comes out along with my sarcasm. "What part of I have a bum leg dinna ye ken?"

I wanted to roll my eyes in exasperation but figured they were best kept on the trail.

Honestly, what did she expect me to do, fly like Peter Pan? Wish myself a new leg?

I thought about the so-called lessons with a sword that red-haired reject from a Nazi torture chamber had given me. Some use they were. I had dropped my sword yards back when I saw Belle and took her in my arms to kiss her breathless. Of course, things being what they were, our kiss got interrupted. Like our dates, our wedding, and so many other private moments.

By the demon bear with the fish breath currently trying its best to maul us and have a midday snack.

I saw that Belle had reached a tree and was trying to scramble onto the lowest branch. But her heels weren't suited for climbing. I couldn't even figure out how the hell she walked in them. Must be the magic of women.

I could hear the bear trampling the vegetation behind me, snorting and snarling like the T-Rex from Jurassic Park. I had to distract it somehow. Only I was fresh out of honey, cakes, and salmon. Damn!

Then I tripped over a rock and went sprawling. My crutch rolled two feet away and I had the wind knocked out of me.

The bear bellowed in triumph and thundered towards me, its paws ripping up great chunks of ground as I lay helplessly watching and imagining what those claws would do to me.

But there was one bright spot.

I had found something to distract the bear.

Unfortunately, it was me.

The demon bear rose up on its hind legs and released an earth shattering roar . . .along with a choking miasma of rotten fish.

 _Bear, you need some Listerine!_ I thought mockingly, even as I prepared to become Smokey's next meal. I cursed in my head. Why did these things always happen to me? My eyes widened till I was sure I resembled a deer caught in the headlights. Or make that a deer caught on a platter. I thought about screaming some idiotic challenge as the bear walked towards me, something like "Do your worst!"

Then I sneered at myself. I'd be damned if I wasted my last breath uttering idiotic statements to a bear with a brain the size of a pea like I was Prince Charming! If I was going to die, I'd do it stoically. In silence.

Bravely.

The bear's massive paw thudded into the ground next to me and I got an up close and personal glimpse of its fangs.

Screw this! Bravery was overrated, I thought. Besides, man was the smartest species on the planet. I might not have brawn but I had more brains than Yogi Bear over here! I trembled and recalled that God looks after fools, women, and orphans. I was two out of three so I figured I might have a chance of divine intervention.

And this was the Forest of Dreams, where strange and unexplained things happened. Maybe a miracle would occur. If not for me, for Belle.

The bear loomed over me and I nearly gagged on the stench. I didn't want to get eviscerated. That was a really slow, messy, and painful way to die. Just ask anyone who'd watched the Tudors. Old Henry VIII I am had drawing and quartering down to a science. I didn't want Belle to have nightmares.

So I did the brave thing.

I sang as loudly as I could what I was sure was going to be my death song.

"Da-a-avy! Da-a-avy Crockett!"

Hey, it was all I could think of as my life flashed before my eyes, besides _shit_ _ **shit SHIT!**_

And he was a legend too. And it was said legends walked here.

I prayed that was the case. If not I was going to be Rumplestiltskin sushi.

Ursine slobber dripped down my cheek and onto my $5000 Armani suit. Great, bear slobber was a bitch to get out!

I shut my eyes. _Bae, Papa's coming! All idiots go to heaven, dearie! And those who died trying to impress their wives._ Belle could put that on my tombstone.

I waited for the claws to sink into me and start tearing me apart like straw.

Desperate, I started singing again. "Da-a-avy! Da-a-avy Crockett!"

Suddenly a man's bass echoed through the trees. "King of the wild frontier!"

I opened my eyes in time to see a man wearing deerskins and a familiar coonskin cap appear out of the trees. He raised a Kentucky rifle to his shoulder and called, "Howdy, pardner! Looks like you're in a spot o' trouble!"

I rolled my eyes. "Really, dearie?" I called, struggling to keep the sarcasm from my voice.

The bear went "huh?" then turned to see this newcomer, snarling in irritation.

There came a loud explosion and the bear fell down dead, the thud as it landed shaking the forest floor.

One shot. Straight through the eye.

The man truly was a legend with a rifle.

Davy came right up to me and extended his hand to help me to my feet. "What's your name, stranger?"

"Mr. Gold," I replied. "Much obliged for your assistance."

He grinned. "Jus' doin' my job."

Belle came rushing up to me, minus her shoes. Guess she'd realized when running for your life, Prada was not Nike. She threw her arms around me. "Oh, Rumple! You almost died!"

 _Thank you, Princess Obvious!_ I thought sarcastically, then I kissed her because I'd be damned if I was going to miss this kiss, no matter who was standing there.

We kissed as if it were our last moment on earth.

And who knew, it just might be, because the fates were fickle and hated me.

We might have set a new record for the longest kiss when Davy cleared his throat. "Err . . .'scuse me, pardner, but I gotta be moseying along now." He tipped his hat to Belle. "Ma'am."

"Wait!" Belle cried. "You—you killed the bear!"

Davy shrugged. "Yes 'm. I killed me a bar when I was only three." He handed me my crutch back. "Here, pardner. You might want to be a mite careful in these woods. Isn't safe without a weapon." He reached into a pouch at his waist and handed me a loaded pistol.

I took it. "Davy, my best weapon is my brain."

"Yup, but it never hurts to have backup," he winked. He tipped his cap again. "Iffen you need me, you jest call." Then he turned and strode back into the trees, whistling his theme song.

I tucked the pistol into my jacket pocket. Then I took Belle by the hand. "C'mon, dearie. We need to keep going." I drew her away from the dead bear.

"Where are we going, Rumple?"

"We're getting the hell out of Dodge, Belle."

"I love you, Rumple. You're truly brave."

I smiled. "No, dearie, bravery is overrated. What I did was use my brain."

She kissed me again. "I'm sorry I hurt you. What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Love me," I murmured against her lips. "And accept me for all I am."

"My hero."

"No. I'm not a hero. I'm just a man," I replied. I was not going to be trapped into that stupid role again. Not for love, money, or Belle's kisses. I broke off her kiss reluctantly. "Let's go. Before Emma sends her redhaired hunting hound after us."

"Merida won't give up. She's really brave."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't confuse bravery with bullying, dearie." I said bluntly. "Any idiot can swing a sword. Brains will win every time over brawn."

Then I limped off through the trees, whistling the Davy Crockett theme song. When being chased by a bear remember to call upon the king of the wild frontier. A Kentucky long rifle beat a bow any day of the week and thinking with your head beat a sword arm for keeping you alive.

Someday those so-called heroes would realize this. Until then, I'd simply write a book to remind them. Using one-syllable words so they got the message. Because an unfortunate side-effect of being too brave was brain damage from too many blows to the head.

Good thing I carried a magic elixir in my inside jacket pocket, made from jellyfish extract. I had drank it right after that redhaired harpy reject from a Marine bootcamp had finished her beatdown session with me, restoring the brain cells I might have lost when she knocked me out. Why anyone thought that was going to teach me how to fight was mind boggling. Or how I was supposed to fight with only one leg? Perhaps she thought I was a flamingo?

Then again nobody ever said heroes were bright. It was why many of them died. I, however, was no hero. And that was why I would live to fight another day.

Once we got back to Storybrooke, if we got back, maybe I'd start an online blog called _Bravery For Dummies-or How Using Your Brain Saves Lives. No Heroic Idiots Need Apply._ Because the pen is mightier than the sword.


End file.
